Tony Stark: Undefeated Tag Team Champions!

Who doesn't enjoy a fun, relaxed weekend away with the boys...I mean what's not to like, no one really knows who you are and there are a ton of easy bitches WAITING for guys like us to arrive. Ohh the BIG apple, A single mans heaven lol. Seriously though, it is always a weekend full of memories for me and my crew.

It's April 17th, 2010 and Bruce is celebrating his birthday and decided that he would take us all away for his birthday, nice guy huh? Wait! It gets better...

We leave in the afternoon and start our trek into the city, luckily for us it was an absolutely beautiful day, which made for a very scenic trip. We are cruisin' in his boys 4 door Honda Civic...notice how I said it was a "scenic" ride up, well that's because we weren't going very fast at all. I mean, an Olympic sprinter, like Usain Bolt, can run approximately 37.52 km an hour and I SWEAR I saw someone tailing us. Lol Now to fully comprehend the situation you need to FEEEL the ride up. 4 men averaging 6'3, 190 pounds shoulder to shoulder in an economy size (lol yeah right, maybe in Japan) Honda civic LX so the shit didn’t even have a CD player, he actually had a Discman plugged into his tape deck...I mean REALLY? Lol

Disclaimer: This is one of the birthday boys buddies NOT one of the distinguished gentlemen you are coming to read about.

Fast Forward 1 hour: we are on the ferry...

Car is parked and we are on the deck. Sun is shining bright and there isn't a cloud in the sky...well, except for the ones coming from the spliff we were hitting lol. We started to sit back and relax, catch in some rays and shoot the shit when a flock of bitches walk by. Now I don't mean to call them bitches but if you get offended by this word it's probably because you aren't secure with the particular life style you are living right now, so please, settle that on your own damn time lol

These, chickies rolled straight up and into our sun. Now my first reaction was to tell them to get out of the sun, as I was TRYING to get some colour for the weekend. However, luckily my conscience kicked in and made me realize that that would've been foolish. We start rappin and find out that they are actually FROM the destination that we were headed and they are going back home. 1,23..4 PERFECT! There were 4 of us and were ready-to-go! This is too easy...

We spent the entire ferry ride with them, with the exception of the 15 min intermission in the arcade room, and make plans to meet back at our hotel for pre-drinking around 10.

Exit the ferry and fast forward another "scenic" drive to the hotel.

We check in and bring our bags up. We setup our portable iPod player and get situated. A couple of us pull out a deck of cards and start playing some BIG TWO (best card game everrr), One takes a nap (the driver) and me...well I decided to go for a swim. Figure I needed to freshen up for a night that was about to bless us with spectacular events. All remembering that we were meeting up at the restaurant for 8pm.

We ended up meeting up with some more people that we knew that were also in there for the weekend and decided to have some drinks with them as well, so we invited them to the table. An hour goes by and the bill comes, it’s $932.94. We settle the bill and start heading back to the hotel to get ready for these girls that were going to meet up with us. When we get back to the hotel I start looking over the bill, something just didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to know how our bill came up to so much...and pop goes the weasel. “Gratuity of 15% will be added to the bill for parties bigger than 8.”

Fuckin sluts!

Not only did he NOT tell us that they were going to add a gratuity but he had the AUDACITY to accept the $300 TIP that we left him. I was infuriated! Not so much that we had just overpaid but that we were hustled, straight bamboozled! I immediately was overcome with rage and wanted to RUN back to the restaurant and talk to man “Vegas style” but my friends reminded me that the girls were going to be here soon, so to calm me down they bet me I couldn’t do 100 push-ups without stopping. What did I do you ask? Well, I’m not a bitch...

*knock knock knock* all our ears perked up. Zee chickies are herree  in a wild blaze like the Tasmanian devil. Spraying cologne, fixing hair, buttoning up shirts, PUTTING ON shirts, and of course – one birthday shot before we open the pearly gates to heaven...I open the door, Eerrrrrrrrrhhhhh, and there stand 4 unbelievable specimens of female beauty. I mean beautiful, perky breasts, round plump asses that make you just wanna ...MMmm...pour some hot sauce on it and take a bite and one had legs for daaayyssss. DIBS!

They come in and now it’s a party, the playlist we had playing was providing the perfect blend of sexual tension and party vibes. We polished off a couple bottles of Goose and were feelin’ noice! Some of us were sitting with a girl on our lap, one was standing between the legs of a girl on the sink counter, one was on the bed and I was with “legs” dancing up a storm and boy could girl move. I mean this girl was fucking me with my clothes ON. I was like “umm..you want me to uhh I don’t know, take off my clothes?” and she was like “no its cool I got you”...no it’s cool I got you? What the fuck does THAT mean?? Bitch you aint got me, if you had me you wouldn’t have even been able to complete that sentence and I sure as hell wouldn’t have been able to understand your dumbass, all I would’ve heard was “mmmhmmmnnmnmnhnmmm”

Okay, so this party was cool but that’s not while ya’ll are still reading, so let’s make like Star Trek and warp speed ahead an hour or two.

So we’ve been partying with these girls for the night and they are dope but where the hell is Bruce? I leave the girls and the party and start looking for the birthday boy, only to find him on the other dance floor with two girls fighting over him. *I wish I was making this shit up.* So I sat back for a min to peep the scenario. One girl would start by grabbing his tie and pulling him to the wall where she continued to use him as her pole and show him that the strippercise classes she has been taking have paid off. The other girl gets jealous, walks up and straight gangster pulls him away from her, guides him to another spot on the dance floor and starts rubbing her hands all over him.

Dinner: $1300
Tab at the bar: $1000
Look on the birthday boys face: PRICELESS

So what does the other girl do? She takes off her bra IN THE CLUB...again, *I wish I was making this shit up!* Lol At that point I jumped in, I had to, they could’ve seriously injured each other *smirk*. Me and the Bruce COMPLETELY disregard the people we had been partying with ALL night and decide to take the girls back to the hotel. He gets the one that took off the bra, as it IS his birthday, and I bite the bullet with the other one (which was hardly considered biting the bullet).

We get back to the hotel and Bruce takes the bed and I perch up on the captains chair in the corner with my girl on my lap. It starts of pretty PG...you know, some kissing and heavy petting but then out of nowhere another twist in the evening comes, they both stop and stand up. My boy and I are looking at each other like “WTF” and the one says “I want your friend” and walks over to me and my girl walks over to the bed. They straight up switched us like it was nothing! I have to admit, it had me discombobulated for a second. Took me a min to get my head wrapped around what happened and take action. It wasn’t long though let me assure you.

I grab my `new` girl by the hand and guide her out the door and into our other room (we got two for this exaact reason) I throw her on the bed and start taking off my clothes and she reciprocates. Her body is bangin’! We jump in the sac and PG just turned into PG-13, about 10 minutes go by and the phone rings...it’s 3am and I’m in bed with a random girl I picked up at the club, why the FUCK would I answer the phone? Needless to say, I ignore it. It rings again, like seriously? This time the dumb bitch breaks the cardinal rule and talks, she starts to say “are you going t...” and just as she’s in the middle of a word I thrust my rod into her like I was digging for oil and she showed me her “O” face...”O”! A minute goes by and there’s a knock at the door, I ignore it. 45 seconds later, another call...WHAT THE FUCK! I grab the phone and chuck it across the room. Don’t they know I‘m fucking?? Finally I am able to get into my.....wait, is someone at the door? I stop. I feel like she`s about to say something so I put the pillow over her mouth. There IS someone at the door and they are trying to sneak in like a ninja in the shadows. I look closely and it`s the Bruce, thank GOD!

At this point I’m on the bed hitting it missionary. He walks around the bed and comes up to the side, undressing all the way from the door. He grabs her hand and puts it on his cock just to test the waters and they were as smooth as bath water. The night has now entered the “R” rating! An hour of straight WWF tag team action, not the new WWE shit, I’m talking the old school Rick Flair and Roddy Roddy Piper shit. We finish up and are lying on the bed (about this time it has to be around 5AM). Needless to say, we are wiped and what comes out of her mouth...”Wanna go again?” Are you serious?? “We NEED about ten min hun” ...so we are laying there and she starts asking questions and I say “isn’t it kind of late to be asking these kind of questions?” Like really...we made it this far without knowing each other’s names, do we really need to bother with formalities now? Just then the Bruce jumps up gives me a high five and lays back down and falls asleep. Now after, probably, 4 bottles of goose and dozens of random shots, I can't really falt him for it; not to mention we just ran a tag team marathon and I was pooped as well. Now, what I'm about to tell you MIGHT come to a shock to you but it had to happen...

Just as I was about to say, "I don't have another dome so I'm going to run up to the room and get one....be back in a flash!", there was a knock at the door. It was the concierge and DAMN was she fine! Apparently we were being too loud and they were getting all sorts of complaints so someone had to come up and tell us to keep it down. The concierge looked over my shoulder and saw a passed out birthday boy alongside a naked bar hoe, then looked at me standing at the door completely STARK naked looking at her with all 3 eyes. She blushed immediately and stumbled for words to save her, with no such luck. I started a small conversation with her and found out that she was actually just getting off her shift and this was her last duty before going home, but from the look on her face i got the impression that she didn't quite want to go home yet. So, I told her, "Wait right her". I quickly grabbed my clothes and slipped out the door, took her by the hand, went down the hall and up the stairs, opened the door and B-lined it for the bed. Regardless of how tired I was, I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to slay a sexy hotel concierge...

The next morning we all met up for breakfast and everyone asked what happened to us, so we told them. Just as I thought, they were a liiil jealous - as they should be. When the boys got up to go back and check out of the hotel, Bruce and I walked back together to swap stories of what happened after I left. Apparently, he woke up in the morning and the bitch was still there, he rolled over got some brains and walked her to the elevator. I asked him why he left the other girl and he told me she was acting up so he left her and came to me. Apparently it was the concierge calling and knocking cuz of all the complaints, boy am I glad I finished up...last card, UNO! Luckily for us as well, because we were able to retain our undefeated title as the 'Tag Team champions'!

To this day we still have NO idea what that bitches name was. Aint life grand.

"I know that it’s confusing. It is one thing to question the official story, and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I'm a super hero. That would be outlandish and, uh, fantastic. I'm just not the super hero type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public. The truth is...I am...."

Until next time.

TS